American Military Primacy

With nuclear proliferation on the rise in rogue states and terrorism giving everybody the heebie jeebies, It's nice to know that our military researchers are not just sitting on their hands.

Behold, the ARCHIMEDES DEATH RAY!!! Just like the ancient Greeks, we now have the technology to focus mirrors on an anchored fleet of wooden ships, setting them and their freedom-hating crews ablaze.

This is a phenomenal feat of American ingenuity. We may lack the armor to keep our troops protected in battle, but our citizenry is well-possessed of mirrors of various sizes and strengths, and I am confident that an effort of collective will could repel a naval attack on the Homeland.

Of course, it would only work if our enemy had wooden ships. And they didn't move. And it wasn't too cloudy. And they didn't just shoot us and our mirrors.

Unfortunately, lab (also known as "reality tv") results show it didn't work. Or did it?